Last week we learned of a man who sold his soul in exchange to best a game that had bested him his entire life. In the end it turned out to be a deal he was pleased with. Desperate times sometimes call for desperate measures, at least when it comes to incredibly challenging games, but what of titles that present no conventional difficulty? Games of this bracket are either poorly designed, (Smurf Rescue 1982 comes to mind) or are crafted with careful precision and gameplay balance that its challenge sits evenly distributed throughout the players progression, offering a smoother rollercoaster experience; Super Mario Galaxy is a perfect example of this. Presumably, most core players defeat software of this kind with satisfying ease. Sadly this is not the case for everyone. Maybe this individual should consider selling his quintessence too or maybe not? Sometimes there’s no excuse for failing to beat a game.
This morning Nintendo released a statement of concern and confusion for Lathrop, CA resident, Jeremy Toth and his continued inability to beat Kirby’s Epic Yarn. “It was designed with casual players in mind, that’s why you can’t die.” said Richard Journey, a stunned and flabbergasted Nintendo rep. “Yes there is challenge with unlocks and collectibles, but that is meant for completists and core gamers, not Mr. Toth. By definition, Jeremy is a casual player and every casual player should be more than able to beat Kirby’s Epic Yarn.”
“Even my daughter beat the game and she has a broken thumb.” Journey added.
A gymnastics coach by trade, Jeremy Toth fits the profile for a casual player well. He prides himself on physical fitness and health, thus spending most of his time at the gym exercising or shopping for his meticulous groceries. His game library consists of Wii Sports (it’s a pack-in, he had no choice) Wii Fit, Gold’s Gym Dance Workout, Walk it Out and to broaden his horizon, last Oct., he purchased Kirby’s Epic Yarn and most recently Cabela’s Dangerous Hunts 2011 with Top Shot Elite. “What can I say, the game is friggin hard! I’ve played it everyday since I bought it last Oct. I’ve broken three controllers from then til now, god that game makes me angry! stated a frustrated Jeremy. “It’s been tough telling people how much I’ve struggled with it. I hate to admit this, but I even looked up cheats…and there aren’t any! The page for Kirby’s Epic Yarn on gamefaqs said, this game didn’t require any? I dunno man. I haven’t even gotten the chance to try CDH2011TSE, it’s still in it’s packaging.” Toth admited while lowering his head, in what I obeserved to be, bitter defeat.
Nintendo, in an attempt to sympathize and understand Jeremy’s travail, offered to pay for KEY. Toth pathetically accepted. “At the very least we owe you this?” read the sympathy card, with a check from Big N. “We figured he’d have traded it in by now.” said Nintendo. “We love when players show determination and perseverance, but we told Jeremy he didn’t need much of that to beat KEY.” added the publishing titan.
Despite Jeremy’s incredible ineptitude, he is still determined to beat KEY..someday. “Maybe some time away from the title will be good for me.” says Toth, “For now, it’s time to take on Cabela’s Dangerous Hunts!” added Jeremy. I spoke to him two weeks later and apparently he’s still trying to get past the opening Grizzly fight, but ensures me he is “super close” to beating it. Best of luck bud, best of luck.