I hate this episode. Always have. I hate a bunch of women in a room bitching and talking over each other. (Anyone ever tried to watch “The View”? Worst show on TV. Same reason). Anyway, it’s actually why I enjoy the Bachelorette so much more than the Bachelor. Guys getting jealous and crazy is WAY more entertaining than a bunch of chicks. Anyway, as one would think, this episode was a bunch of cranky chicks. I do admit, I was a little impressed with the hard-core, “I want to punch you” attitude that a lot of these gals had for Michelle. It was the most entertaining part of the show, but that’s not saying much.
Anyway, the show starts with a sit-down chat with Brad and Chris Harrison. There are some decent one-liners in there. When talking about Madison (chick with fangs), he says, “Once I got past the fangs, I really liked her a lot.” Sorry, Brad. You simply don’t “get past” a woman who thinks it’s normal to wear fangs. You just don’t. We also reminisce about Shawntel’s first one-on-one date where she talks about leakage from dead bodies. God, I miss Shawntel. It was back when this show was interesting.
Back in the studio, Chris decides to advertise the next season of “The Bachelor Pad” airing this summer, or how I refer to it, “The Herpes Pad.” These people are disgusting. Granted, when I was single and 22, I would have also jumped at the chance to live in a mansion with 15 hot guys and unlimited alcohol. Now that I think about it, it actually sounds fun now, too.
Apparently, the 500 or so Bachelor and Bachelorette alumni hang out sometimes. They go to parties where they drink and hump each other. A lot. They stick some cameras around, and I admit, I’ll watch that s**t all day long. They had one of these parties recently, and I’m surprised to see Kasey (guy who swallowed a gym sock) is making out with Erika (crazy who thinks she’s a princess). Odd, odd pairing. But again, I’m empty enough inside to think this is good TV. Oddly, Ali and Roberto show up at one of these parties, and I can’t help but think of all my fond memories from last season spent fantasizing about Roberto. He’s still HOT. Sigh.
Back to the Women Tell All… The chicks are introduced and there are a few things we need to talk about. One is Ashley H, the dentist. It is absolutely no secret that she’s been chosen as the new Bachelorette when you see her makeover. I guess the Producers weren’t trying to hide it because it’s, ummm, pretty obvious. They’ve also been reading my weekly recaps, because the first order of business was giving the girl some bangs. That beach of a forehead is half the size – well done! The hair is darker which is a better look for her, I admit. Then it gets a little crazy. Her teeth are the color of a florescent bulb – whiter than what’s possible in nature. Her red lipstick is insane and her hair has grown a foot in the last month. All I picture is this exact look, with the red lipstick, coming at my mouth with a drill in her hand. The girl is throwing her dental education out the window. Credibility? What credibility?
Also of note, Alli looks better with darker hair but I’m disappointed to see her two front teeth are still an inch too long. Stacey, the Boston Bartender, has been skipping her anger management classes – the chick is pissed and no doubt, would absolutely kick my ass in a dark alley.
The next segment of the show has been titled, by me, either “We all hate Michelle, but only cause we’re jealous” or “I was there for the right reasons”, which is Michelle’s mantra, repeated at least 25 times.
In a nutshell, the girls are all pissed because Michelle was super nice in the house, but after watching the show air on TV, they realized she was taking smack about most of them. Shocking I know – girls talking smack about each other? Betrayal! Michelle knows what she did and apologizes, but keeps saying that 90% of it was a joke that these chicks don’t get. Well, that’s certainly true. These chicks don’t have any sense of humor, or the brain capacity to understand someone else’s humor. Especially Melissa, let’s talk about that crazy b**ch. Wow.
She gets in the hot seat to settle the feud between her and Raichel. I don’t care about this – does anyone? Both of these ladies left within the first two weeks, I think. And they weren’t “feuding”, they just didn’t like each other because they both suck. Anyway, they try to defend themselves and it’s painfully boring. The only interesting part was when they blamed this feud for ruining their chances with Brad. Ummm, incorrect. Melissa, you didn’t win Brad’s love because you are a crazy, onion-breath, psychopath. Raichel, you didn’t win Brad’s love because you suck. Oh and because you wax testicles for a living. That too.
Note – at this point we’re only 44 minutes in and I’m tempted to call it a night. Pain. Ful.
Michelle in the hot seat
Do you think it’s called the hot seat because it’s like a petri dish of STDs after all these contestants sitting in it? Ewww.
Michelle looks confused, wardrobe-wise. I see a heart tank top, a red skirt, a monster necklace, a leather bracelet, and big ‘ol earrings. Anyone catch her shoes? I bet they were snakeskin heels with buckles or something. I could have a seizure looking at her. Wow.
Anyway, she apologizes if she hurt anyone, but claims it was all a joke. Chris tries to get therapist on her, saying it’s a defense mechanism. He tells Michelle that her approach ruffled feathers. She says she’s misunderstood. No seriously, I’m so bored.
Michelle cries a lot, saying she’s a good mother and she was there for the right reasons. She left her daughter and feels extremely guilty about it. Bitch Stacey tells her that she put herself first, not her daughter. Wow, that chick is mean and if I weren’t terrified of her, I definitely would’ve pulled a Jerry Springer and jumped the bitch right on stage. Michelle just sobs and Chris tells the ladies to go easy on her. Chris, you’re ruining the fun, right when it gets good.
Ashley Nanny in the hot seat
Shockingly, I hated this part. Ashley, the 22-year-old Nanny, sobbed like a baby when she was booted off this show, so I guess that warrants her some time in the hot seat. It’s not entertaining. She’s sad that Brad said she wasn’t going to be a good wife to him. She FREAKS, wondering what he meant, why he said that. He just means he wasn’t that into you. CHILL OUT.
I love these chicks at 22 claiming they’re so frustrated that they haven’t found a husband. I don’t care if you’re the most normal, well-adjusted chick in the world. Nobody should get married at 22. At 22, you should be drinking, eating late night Taco Bell and making out with strangers at fraternity parties. Chill out on the husband hunt, ladies.
Ashley Dentist in the hot seat
Ashley, in her new dark hair and whitened teeth, take the hot seat, but not before ALMOST showing the world her vagina. Hello short skirt. Geesh.
After a brief recap, I’m sad to hear that we won’t get any explanation as to her really weird, non-communicative last date with Brad. If I was Chris Harrison, I would’ve said to her, “So why didn’t you f**king tell Brad you’d move to Austin? That’s all he needed you to say, you dumba**.” Instead, she hand-talks for ten minutes about regretting the fact that she went crazy with Brad. It’s all I really get from the conversation because I’m mesmerized by her teeth. They are WHITE.
Chris asks her what made her have so many doubts about Brad. She says, “I don’t know. It might have been the situation.” Oh you THINK? You mean, the situation where Brad is contractually obliged to bang 14 other women in an effort to make good TV? Yeeaaah, I can see how that might be hard. You idiot.
Chris asks if she has regrets and if she thinks she ruined the relationship. She says she’s spent a lot of time soul-searching and she’s lost a lot of sleep wishing she said different things. But she quickly spins some positive out of it, saying she learned a lot and can’t wait to start dating again. She’s acting all bubbly and normal, and it’s the perfect set-up for her to be announced as the next Bachelorette. That’ll be like, 10 weeks of hand talking. Sigh.
Oh good, Brad’s here
Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more boring…
Mr. Excitement comes out and doesn’t say squat. He compliments Ashley on her new look. She giggles excitedly. Brad says Ashley Nanny made him tear-up, as he watched her departure. He also says that he’s sure she’ll make a fine wife one day. Maybe in 15 years.
Finally, he talks about Michelle and says he doesn’t think she has a malicious bone in her body (probably not entirely true), and that he’ll defend her all day long. She cries and thanks him. They pan to a woman in the audience crying, and I finally realize what my husband has probably thought of me whenever I cry at this show. That I’m a ridiculous a**hole. I get it now.
Finally a preview for next week…we’re down to Chantal O. and Emily. The previews show them both walking towards Brad at the final rose ceremony. I can’t help but think of Black Swan. Chantal is in black and Emily is sporting all white. How appropriate. It’s been pretty obvious that Brad likes Emily the best, but she has Ricky/Ricki baggage, so I guess we’ll have to wait to see what happens. Six days until the finale – weee!
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For a recap of last week’s episode, click here!