Everyone needs a best friend. No matter if you are an elderly, church going quilter whose perfect cure for finger arthritis is petting your cat… or if you are a demented serial killer.
Physiologically it has been linked that most people who end up following the path of a gruesome killing streak have started that path by being cruel to their family pets. But maybe they never found the right one to calm the fire in their hearts. It has also been proven that the therapeutic benefits of a person’s animal soul mate can save lives.
Here is a list of history’s most sick and twisted serial murders… and their childhood pets. However, I have used my expert pet knowledge to deduce the perfect pet that would have possibly lead them down the path of righteousness.
Gilles de Rais, Born 1404: he owned a horse. He should have owned a tortoise. It would have promoted a slower pace in life and stopped him from bathing in the blood of children.
Richard Trenton Chase, Born 1950: he owned a ferret. If he owned a water dwelling fish, he may not have been so worried about the Nazis turning his blood into dust.
Jeffrey Dahmer, Born 1960: he owned a cat. Cats tend to be loners and he needed something that would never leave him. Like a plant.
Albert Fish, Born 1870: he owned a bird. Fish was somewhat of a culinary expert, so I believe an animal with a strong nose would have done him well; possibly a blood hound. Remember: bake with a recipe, cook with your nose.
Andrei Chikatilo, Born 1936: he owned a pig, appropriate for The Butcher of Rostov. However if he owned a bichon frise he might have been known as the Fashion Couturier of Rostov.
Ted Bundy, Born 1946: owned a snake. Should have owned a cockatiel.
Dennis Rader, Born 1945: he owned an English bulldog. If the BTK killer owned a little bunny rabbit his initials may have meant “Bunnies are Too Kute”.
John Haigh, Born 1909: he owned a bunch of scorpions. He should have owned an alligator or crocodile. With skin as tough as nails the amphibians wouldn’t have been damaged if he spilled a little acid on them, they would have just gotten a little annoyed and eaten him.
Javed Iqbal, Born 1956: he owned a cat. However the cat he owned was a maine coon, which activated his allergies. He would have been able to love a short haired cat with less dander more efficiently.
Joachim Kroll, Born 1933: he owned a snake. He cooked people to save on grocery bills. If he owned a vegetable plant he could have sold the vegetables and killed two birds with one stone. I mean, not kill two birds. No more killing!
There is no argument that this list of notorious killers is a list of some of the most sick, despicable, loathsome evil people to have ever walked the planet. There is no excuse for any of the crimes they have committed and we can all only dream that they have reached their just punishments in this life or the next. However, just think how much of a difference the right pet could have made. You can’t strangle someone if you’re too busy hugging your pet bunny; you wont be depressed about being fat if you go running with your dog and a glass of sea monkeys is as much fun as a barrel of monkeys. So, remember, “Stop a killer before he’s established: by getting him a dog or a cat or a goldfish.”