American Idol selected their Season 10 Top 13 finalists Thursday night, and even though Howard Stern says the show is now lacking due to Simon Cowell’s absence, he’s still tuning in for every seemingly mediocre second.
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Howard Stern Show fans who eschew Stern’s weekly American Idol recaps hate this time of year, refusing to tune in to the weekly TV pop culture phenomenon, but also feeling left out during Stern’s ruthless recaps.
See photos of the American Idol Top 13 and Steven Tyler wearing your grandma’s “fancy party shirt” in the slideshow
Here’s a quick rundown of all this season’s archetypes to keep you just well informed enough to understand what Howard Stern is talking about, but not well-informed enough to draw homophobic screams from the Iron Sheik.
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The American Idol Season Top 13 are:
Pia Toscano aka The Hottie: Howard will definitely be talking about her this season. If she gets booted from Idol, she could definitely score a gig wearing a bikini in a cage at the Sirius XM studio.
James Durbin aka Tourrette’s Guy aka Medicated James: Yup. There’s a Tourrette’s guy in the finals, which means there’s potential for a contestant to start calling Jennifer Lopez the “c word” mid-song. Fingers crossed.
Jacob Lusk aka The Jesus Guy: Howard Stern is already annoyed with him for attributing his talent to Christ
Casey Abrams aka Bigfoot’s kin: This bearded crooner plays upright bass and looks like the Green Mountain man’s cousin it is.
Lauren Alaina aka Chunk: Look out. Howard Stern is going to call this girl fat and people are going to be pissed.
Naima Adedapo aka Porgy and Dredlocks: This girl can sing, but how long before Howard Stern wonders allowed if her dredlocks are smelly? NOT long.
Karen Rodriguez aka Not Selena: She sings everything in Spanish. How long until Howard Stern says:”Hey! It’s AMERICAN Idol sweetie! Speak English!!!” Not long.
Stefano Langone aka Not Ricky Martin: He sings everything in Spanish. How long until Howard Stern says: “Hey! It’s AMERICAN Idol dude! Speak English!!!” Not long.
Paul McDonald aka Maggie May Chompers: He sings like Rod Stewart if Rod Stewart were less fat, creepy and annoying. Also, he’s got the most GLEAMING white teeth every to grace the Idol stage
Haley Reinhart aka The Husky Hobbit: This petite crooner looks like a Middle Earth descendent and sings low and husky.
Ashthon Jones aka Not Jennifer Hudson: If we want to watch Dreamgirls again we’ll rent it. That is all.
Scotty McCreery aka Cowpoke: This year’s male country singer. Sure to provide hilarity the first week he has to sing ANYTHING besides country music.
Thia Megia aka Little Lupe Jr: This soft-spoken fifteen year old could have a future as the new Lupe Fuentes if American Idol doesn’t work out.
American Idol airs their next performances for the at-home voting public on Wednesday, March 9th at 8:00PM on FOX.
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